In trouble

I'm not sure why they call it a bachelor party of a bachelorette party. It's really for the friends and relatives who go along. I guess "friends and relatives party" doesn't sound all that exciting.

Jessica and I doubled up on our parties this weekend. I celebrated mine in Columbus with a rowdy bunch. Jessica tried the Putnam County bachelorette party, meaning she went bar-hopping.

I don't know that many details about Jessica's party. Here's why: I trust her. (And I know she didn't bring Don Juan home with her.)

And while I'm not claiming she doesn't trust me, I have to wonder. She's asked a lot of questions about what we did.

Here's the trick: We did what guys do at bachelor parties. We drank alcohol -- a lot of it. We told off-color jokes -- a lot of them. We looked at the female anatomy -- pretty much all of it, on a lot of girls.

It's a funny way to end your days as a "single man." I don't know how many times a buddy said to me, "Come on man, aren't you going to miss this?"

I've been missing out on life without realizing it. I never really spent my days having attractive women gyrating overtop me in hopes of me handing them a couple bucks. My experiences with women dancing usually involved me sitting in the corner of the room, hoping they're having a good time while realizing I'm not even blessed enough to have two left feet.

So anyway, I came home learning several valuable lessons. Take notes, fellow grooms:
1. Call her. A lot. Become annoying about it. As it turns out, talking to her briefly before you leave, sending her a text message at 4 a.m. and then coming back around 3 p.m. is not acceptible.
2. You did not have fun. If you did, it was in the party that didn't involve gyrating females.
3. You were thinking about your future spouse every single minute of it.
4. You really did not have fun. No kidding.

Learn from my mistakes. I didn't do so well, and I've heard a bit about it.

The good part is we got that one last (albeit the very first) wild night of my life out of the way. Now I'm ready to settle down and marry a wonderful gal.